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General Grievous

Grievous

My name is Grievous and I'm an evil cyborg. My hobbies include rhythmic gymnastics, tying girls to train tracks, kidnapping people, and tap dancing. I am not fruity. I'll have you know rhythmic gymnastics is a very manly sport. And I'm evil. Did I mention that? I'm a very dark and evil cyborg. In fact, I bartend. In the dark. I'm going to open the most evil bar on Coruscant! And it's all thanks to Chancellor Palpatine. He's swell! So is that nice Dooku fellow. He's teaching me to use my lightsaber! I think they're the only two decent humans. That angry bald guy needs a vacation... attacking a poor innocent cyborg. I'm just glad that nice green lady could heal me. Stupid humans. I hate them.

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030 [23 Jul 2007|11:19am]
After another long night of bartending and being evil, Grievous decides it's time for some recreational activity. He grabs his rhythmic gymnastics supplies, hops into a droid taxi, and heads to the gym.

After some stretching, he pulls out his energy hoop and gets to work.

"All in the hips," he mutters to himself as he watches his organs pulse in their sac. "I wish I had better insurance so that I get those covered up."

He hulas more carefully so that he doesn't tear anything.
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030 [19 Jul 2006|12:13pm]
[ mood | happy ]

OMG! Space travel is so much fun when you're not being shot at! I think having a spaceship of my very own would be really keen. I found all sorts of cool things for my bar! And you know what the best part is? I didn't need to worry about spending too much money. Chancellor Palpatine is one of the nicest humans I've ever met! *would be grinning if he still had a face*

All I need to do now is train the droids! This is going to be so much fun! Every four hours, I'll lead my droid army into an attack on the club. *swishes his cape* It's going to be the most evil entertainment at the most evil bar in the most evil district of the entire planet! Mwahaha! *twirls imaginary mustache*

I think The Dark Side will have a midnight opening to commerate its evilness.

*turns out the lights*
*breaks out his glowsticks*
*does a victory dance*

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029 [10 Jun 2006|10:56am]
My new bar is going to be swell! All the lights are going to be red! The barstools will be made out of recycled battle droids, which makes them the most evil barstools on Coruscant! There's also going to be evil black leather sofas and a dance floor! For evil dancing! It's going to have floor lights and everything. And twice a night, we'll have a laser show. Evil droids are going to invade the bar and take it over. And you know what's really neat? I'm going to lead them! Wow! This is so much fun!
3 comments|post comment

028 [30 May 2006|03:28pm]
[ mood | sad ]

What does he mean I'm a pathetic meatbag? Nobody likes me! *cries* I've been insulted by a droid! What kind of droid would do such a thing?

*wears his blackest cape with the little red sparkles to work*

*tends bar in a particularly dark corner*

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027 [10 May 2006|04:26pm]
Now that "the day after tomorrow" has arrived, Grievous couldn't wait to get off work. He put the last glass away, turned on the lights, and skipped out to his monocycle, whistling something that sounds suspiciously like "Zip-a-dee-do-dah" to Terran ears. Not even the idiot kid that tried to toss a hydrospanner into his wheel could ruin his good day.

Back at his apartment, Grievous bounded through the door on all fours for maximum speed. Once inside, he tossed off his evil red bartending cape for a sportier orange Lycra one. He added his now-bloodied orange sweatbands and was ready to go, save for the fact his get-up would clash horribly with his lightsaber. He decided that he'd get himself a manly black exercise cape soon. In the meantime, there was his manly black poetry set:


Huzzah! Lightsaber!
I'm learning from Count Dooku!
He's a real nice guy!

Haiku composed and attached to his frame, he took a brief power nap until 17:00. At 17:15, he took his nutrient injection. Then, at 17:30, he hopped into his wheelbike and sped off to the designated location, making Kaleesh squeals of excitement the entire way.
20 comments|post comment

025 [08 May 2006|03:36pm]
*does some research on bars*

Transmission to notfromajediCollapse )

Transmission to sithly_tyrannyCollapse )
4 comments|post comment

024 [01 May 2006|09:37am]
[ mood | sad ]

I tried to enter a rhythmic gymnastics competition today and they told me that droids aren't allowed. I told them I wasn't a droid, but they still wouldn't let me enter. *sniffle* It's hard being an evil cyborg. If they're not giving me cavity scans, they're not letting me do the things I like. *stares dejectedly at his black ribbons* *finds his lightsaber*

You know what? I am an evil cyborg! Evil cyborgs don't let stupid humans rain on their parade. Oooh, a parade! *stops crying* I think a parade would be really neat! A droid parade! And I can lead them! *grabs one of his clubs and starts strutting around with it like a drum major* That ought to show them!

*goes off in search of droids until it's time for work*

*is now mixing drinks at Level 54*

36 comments|post comment

023 [10 Apr 2006|05:27pm]
I think I need to find a private gymnasium. Working out isn't at all relaxing when you've got to worry about being taken apart, getting blood all over your new sweatbands, or having to squish people. Squishing people was... sort of fun. I can see why my double likes to kill Jedi so much. I hope he gets that angry bald guy! And maybe some people on Coruscant who think I'm him? Maybe he can teach me to use my lightsaber!

*pulls out his pink training saber and gives it a twirl*

Hey! I bet I can use this thing to convince a girl to let me tie her to some train tracks! Now where was I?

Oh yes, my apartments kind of small. I guess it would be alright if you were one of those human-sized people but there's a serious lack of head room in here. If I had a spine, I'm sure it'd be in terrible pain. Running around on four legs isn't bad but some days a guy just wants to stand up tall, you know? I'm getting tired of putting holes in the ceiling.

*looks through his cape selection*

Maybe I'll go with the pink one today so that I can match my lightsaber. Or is that too fruity? Maybe I should wear the black one instead... Nah! If they think I'm fruity, they'll just have to be tied up tighter.

*laughs*

*goes out to his monocycle and drives to work*
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022 [04 Apr 2006|10:39am]
*Goes to one of Coruscant's public gymnasiums*

*Gets stopped at the door because he set off the metal detector*

No! Don't pull that! I neeeeeeed it!

*makes use of his durasteel claws*

Uh, sorry about that but it was in self-defense... I'm just a cyborg who wants to work out. You know, without having his organs falling out all over the place.

*holds up his arms to reveal orange sweatbands*

*adorably irresistible eyes*

Crap

*Squishes the guards*

Aw nuts, my sweatbands are ruined! Isn't exercise supposed to be relaxing? I don't feel very relaxed.

*Pulls out his shiny black ball with the evil pink light red streaks and starts to play with it*

This isn't working!

*Pulls out his evil black jump rope*

Why *bounce* can't *bounce* I *bounce* ever *bounce* work *bounce* out *bounce* in *bounce* peace? *bounce*
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021 [21 Mar 2006|02:04pm]
Grievous can be found at a Coruscant nightclub, as a patron for a change. He's wearing a black Lurex cape with silver sparkles to enhance his white exoskeletal armor. In each hand is an orange glowstick. He'd wanted red because he heard they were evil, but they only had orange and purple. Purple reminded him of the angry bald guy, so he went with the orange. Besides, orange is an evil colour too. Were he a fruit, he might notice the glowsticks bring out his eyes. But Grievous is not fruity; not one bit.
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020 [16 Mar 2006|10:50am]
Leaping laigraks! I'm just so happy right now I could burst! *stares at the sac housing his organs* Scratch that last one. I'm so happy right now, even the angry bald guy can't hurt me! *dances with his lightsaber* That nice Dooku fellow's teaching me how to use this thing! *ignites the saber and dances some more* And I have a gig tomorrow night! You know something? Some of these humans are alright. Except the angry bald guy. I still don't like him. *pretends to stab Mace with his lightsaber*

*pulls out the rainbow poetry set because he's feeling happy*

There once was a cyber-Kaleesh
Who happened to like eating quiche
He met the Count Dooku
Who'll teach him to slice through
The mad Jedi better off leashed

*Laughs, twirls his non-existant mustache, swishes his cape, and dances some more*
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019 [07 Mar 2006|09:51pm]
*cough, cough, wheeze, breathe*

Stupid human germs!

*has displayed the HoloNet article that references him on the wall of his apartment*

My first press clipping!

*sniffle*
Who knew what a weirdo the Chancellor is? And people think I'm fruity.

*rummages through his closet*

Purple satin, orange canvas, silver lamé... I think I'll wear the red one today! There's nothing fruity about red, is there? I've been told red is a very evil color.

*pulls out the black magnetic poetry set*

You think I'm a fruit
But I'm an evil cyborg
Love me for that, yeah?

*wonders if Dooku would like it*

After feeling properly evil, Grievous breaks out his pink practice lightsaber and pretends to kill a series of Mace Windus.
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018 [31 Jan 2006|05:05pm]
Grievous has returned from the gymnasium where he was no detained and given a cavity scan for a change. He's clothed in a form-fitting cape made out of orange Spandex and is carrying a black gym bag which contains his rhythmic gymnastics gear. When he gets into his monocycle, he spots a sparkly black device under his seat...

My datapad! I've been looking everywhere for it!

*gets all excited*

Where do I begin? First, an astromech catalogue was delivered to me by mistake. Those little guys get all sorts of fun things. Do you think I could install some of those? The shocky thing looked fun. Oh! And poking device #63b! How do they store all those gadgets in such a compact space?

My new jumprope is really cool! Thanks Dooku! No more fruity pink ones for me! *Wonders if he should try the magnetic poetry set again. The black one, because he doesn't like the rainbow colored set.*

Work is alright. My boss says I'm pouring too much alcohol and now he makes me keep the lights on. How am I supposed to be evil if I bartend in the light? Say, anybody want to be tied to a train track? I've got this nifty new magnetic mustache and I can't wait to try twirling it when a train goes by.

*datapad chimes*

Time for work!

Zoom!
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[19 Jan 2006|07:40pm]
Nice versionCollapse )

Naughty versionCollapse )

Anybody looking to make these come true? *best sexborg leer*
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016 [08 Jan 2006|08:15pm]
Grievous is playing with the lightsaber the nice bearded Jedi gave him. He tries spinning it as he's seen his double do on the HoloNet. Unfortunately he hasn't had the years of practice that the General has and he cuts off a chunk of his leg. Loud Kaleesh cursing can be heard although his wheezing is conspiciously absent, thanks to the green diamondy Jedi. After he's calmed down a bit, he applies some putty to his leg and orders a replacement. Only then does he glance at the chrono.

Crap! Late for work again!

He quickly changes into a purple cape, hops into his monocycle, and zooms away to work
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015 [01 Jan 2006|08:22am]
[ mood | depressed ]

*sigh* I found this quiz on the HoloNet. I thought I'd be a mighty Jedi (so long as it's not the angry bald dude) but noooooo. Stupid double.Collapse )

That party was interesting. A green person kissed me. Too bad she can't actually kiss me. *sigh* Too bad Kaleesh don't kiss either. Is it too much to ask that everybody doesn't assume everybody else is humanoid? Just look at them! Puny humans. Only four limbs! And hair. *shudders* All that hair!

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014 [27 Dec 2005|01:43pm]
*is looking very Scrooge like as he counts his credits* One hundred forty nine, one hundred fifty, one hundred fifty two! They must have really liked me last night. *breathes deeply* Ah, it's so nice to not be coughing and wheezing everywhere I go. Although it did scare the customers. *wonders if he'll ever be able to make use of facial expressions again* I still hate that angry bald guy. Why can't he control himself like a good Jedi? *looks at his lightsaber* I should look up that nice Dooku fellow.

Transmission to DookuCollapse )
2 comments|post comment

013 [21 Dec 2005|07:54am]
[ mood | giddy ]

I have the best Secret Santa ever! I have a lightsaber! *dances around with glee, remembers he has a lightsaber, dances with that* Maybe that nice Dooku fellow will teach me. This is so much cooler than that fruity Zabrak poetry set! *pulls out the evil black set, writes Jedi across his chest, laughs some more*

*stares at chrono* Time for work. *looks disappointed but feels better after putting on one of his new capes* Hmm, I should pay more attention to what the owner does. I really want an evil bar of my own. *tries to breathe loudly* I bet I can sneak around now too!

*and off into the sunset Grievous and his monocycle go*

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012 [19 Dec 2005|08:02am]
One of the green Jedi fixed me, sort of. I mean, I'm still missing some parts but at least I don't sound as though I'm about to die at any moment. Maybe now I can finally be the evil cyborg I want to be.

I still don't like the Jedi much. I spent a lot of time finding nifty hair dye for my person but nobody got me anything. *tear drop* I wonder if that guy with the horns was my Secret Santa? I like the black poetry set but I don't know why he bought me a rainbow one. Just because I do rhythmic gymnastics does not mean I'm gay! Technically I'm not anything without my intromittent organ. So I take pride in my appearance. Some days you want the evil black cape, and some days you'd prefer a sparkly silver one. It isn't as though I can change my exoskeleton.

The Skywalker kid thinks I should open my own bar. An evil bar! *sighs* That takes a lot of credits though. *counts the credits Palpatine tipped him* Maybe if I have more nights like the past two...
21 comments|post comment

011 [15 Dec 2005|11:47am]
*is looking at the holo-edition of a cyber-accessories catalog*

I bet I could use those droid thrusters! How cool would it be to be all, "Not today, Jedi!" and fly away?

*Steps up to the hologram, pretends he's wearing them*

Not today, Jedi!

*pretends to fly away*

*orders*

Hmm, if I'm going to be seeing more of that Dooku fellow, I'd better look into a roborgan. *amused breathing* I don't know about the Chancellor though. He's confusing, *wheeze* and a bad host. I bet Dooku would be a good host. He didn't seem to *wheeze* mind when I passed out. *laughs*

*orders a new intromittent organ, does not order dildofingers*

I wonder how it attaches?

*is glad Palpatine paid him*

Maybe if I do more kidnappings, I won't have to bartend. Oh crap! Late for work!

*grabs a black velvet cape, hops into his monocycle, and drives away*
29 comments|post comment

010 [13 Dec 2005|07:36am]
*returns to Coruscant with Dooku's ship intact*
*leaves it on Lemon Ave*
*trades his evil black cape for the sparkly silver one*
*hops in his monocycle and drives to The Last Laugh to start his shift*
2 comments|post comment

009 [10 Dec 2005|10:07pm]
I might not be a comedian but I've got a gig with The Last Laugh anyway. I'm bartending. In the dark. Can there be a more evil profession? I'm so dark I make a black hole look like my coverings  exoskeleton  white patent leather cape. *splits his arms and gets to work*
8 comments|post comment

008 [09 Dec 2005|02:50pm]
For the naughty gift-giversCollapse )

And the nice ones!Collapse )
16 comments|post comment

007 [07 Dec 2005|06:26pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

*Can be found at The Last Laugh*

*goes up to the mike*

It's not easy being me. Did you know *wheeze* I look just like the Separatist leader?

*crickets*

And you know what happened when I tried to *breathe* go work out? They gave me a cavity scan! *wheeze* Do you see any cavities on me? *spins around*

*crickets and the sound of Grievous coughing*

So then I meet this Jedi. I liked his hairless head *wheeze* but he didn't like me either!

*the red light blinks*

Neither do you?! Fine! *wheeze* I'm going to go be a rhythmic gymnast

*drops on all sixes and scampers off stage*

2 comments|post comment

006 [05 Dec 2005|05:50pm]
Dear Santa, All I want is my...Collapse )
8 comments|post comment

005 [30 Nov 2005|09:35am]
*Can be found trying to get into a Coruscant gymnasium*

No! *wheeze* I keep telling you, I'm not the Grievous you want! I'm not even a general. *breathe* Search me for weapons if you don't believe me. *wishes his elbow-mounted electro-jabbers would arrive* Not there! *gets poked in the eye* Those are real you nerf-herders! *can understand why his double likes to collect lightsabers*

~ 30 minutes and a cavity scan later ~

Cavity scan... of all the nerve. I don't have any cavities! The Senate will hear about this!

*sighs*

Finally, I can practice in peace.

*pulls out his clubs, laughs, starts to juggle*
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004 [29 Nov 2005|11:46am]
*flips through cyborg accessory catalogue*

Hooks! Who needs hands when I can have hooks?

*orders*

Oooh, elbow-mounted electrojabbers.

*flips*

Hey, what's this?

*sinister laughter, dissolving into coughing*

*finishes placing order*

Enough mourning over my old body. It's time to PIMP MY 'BORG!
6 comments|post comment

003 [27 Nov 2005|10:41am]
*wheeze* I tasted power, so to speak. I *breathe* think I like it. Who knew Chancellor Palp- I guess I shouldn't *wheeze* use their name, was so kinky? No wonder my double likes to *coughs* kill Jedi. They must smell wonderful. *rubs hands together* And he said I'm evil! *holds hands over the region where his heart would be* I wonder if I can tie him to the *breathe* train tracks? *flips through a catalogue of cyborg accessories*
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002 [22 Nov 2005|10:32am]
I had a disturbing revelation today. I was watching HoloNet News and what did I see but myself? Can it get any stranger than that? *wheeze* I know it wasn't me because I was at a spa on Corellia, indulging in a little aromatherapy. What? My therapist said it would help. *breathe* Two of me might not be so bad though. If he's off fighting a war, I can do what I've always wanted... rhythmic gymnastics! Those Jedi look so cool with their lightsabers and their twirling. Well, except for that Mace Windu. *coughs* Say, has anybody seen Boba Fett around? I bet we'd have a lot in common, Jedi scum and all. You know, I've wanted to be a stand-up comic too. Or maybe an actor, even? If this other guy's fighting the war, I can do anything I want! *laughs, chokes, flings cape over shoulder* Mwahahahaha! I think I shall go dancing tonight, find a nice female, and show her the sawing a body in half trick!
3 comments|post comment

001 [16 Nov 2005|07:48am]
[ mood | jubilant ]

*Is in a clothing shop on Kalee*
*Twirls*
*Watches his cape move with disdain*
No, no, no! I want menacing! And what is with all these sparkles? Oh for the love of Wookiees, who's afraid of glitter? This is all wong! Give me something that says, "I'm going to tie your daughter to the train tracks."
*Spins around in the next cape*
Too heavy! It doesn't move at all!
*Tries yet another cape on, spins, laughs*
Now that has motion!
*Gets close to the mirror, touches face*
I need a mustache.
*Remembers shuttle crash*
*Weeps*
*Pulls himself together*
Where was I? Oh yes...
*Rubs hands together*
Mwahahaha!

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